stand-up poet & comedian
COMMISSIONS (back to list)
Let Them Eat Flake
Opal Fruits - not “Starbursts”! Treets - not “M&Ms”!
A Marathon is not a “Snickers Bar”!
Uncle Joe’s Mintballs to “Krafty” Uncle Sam
Shut the lid on our nation’s sweetie jar!
Yes a man’s gotta chew what a man’s gotta chew -
Highland Toffee, Jelly Babies, Twix
Now it’s Crunchie time for every Fruit ‘n Nut case -
Beware! Bounty hunters in our pick ‘n mix!
Because a Finger of Fudge is just not enough
For the City boys’ sticky fingered pillage
Singing Yankee doodle dollar candy’s dandy
Waving stars ‘n stripes over Bourneville village
Chunky chocolate cowboys have shot the Milk
Cup hands - there goes Cadburys way out west
Golden tickets go to boardroom Willy Wonkas
It’s comin’ up Roses for the bankers who know best
They’ve got the Oompa-Loompas by the
It ain’t no Picnic on the factory floor
The Billy Bunter fat cats get all the Creme Eggs
But if you work for Buttons - there’s the door
So let’s keep the family silver in the family
Scoff the last Rolo before it melts away
Let’s Revel in proud Albion’s confectionery
It’s made British teeth what they are today
copyright elvis mcgonagall
for bbc radio 4 “saturday live”, 2010
(A video of this poem can be seen here)