elvis mcgonagall
> Cold Comfort
> Greece Is The Word
> Stop Yer Swithering Jock!
> Purbeck – The Enduring Isle
> Making Plans With Nigel
> No Regrets
> 53 Quid A Week
> A Bed At The Ritz
> Breaking News In Dorset Haiku
> If
> I Wanna Do The Continental
> The Queen's Speech
> An Analysis....
> You Can Call Me Dave
> Uisge Gu Leoir
> Let Them Eat Flake
> The Inexorable March of Western Cultural Hegemony
> Justice

The Long, Long, Long Goodbye

> This Land’s Not Your Land
> Turkey Shoot

A Game Of Two Halves

> Portrait Of The Hunger Artist
> Caveat Compotor
> Beale Haiku
> Bible Bashing

Pride & Prejudice
by Jane Austen-Powers (listen)


Christmas in the Country no. 1 (listen)

> I'm A Believer (listen)
> You Can Call Me Dave (listen)
> Jamie Oliver Twist (listen)

one man & his doggerel

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Stop Yer Swithering Jock! back


Come all youse glaikit farts in a trance
Grasp the thistle - let’s go freelance
Do the Tunnocks tea-cake dance
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Get yersel’ tae the faintheart surgeon
Leap like a Salmond, float like a Sturgeon
Let the flower ‘o Scotland burgeon
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Gie it laldy pal, c’mon big yin
Dinnae shilly-shally, that’s a sin
Open up Pandora’s shortbread tin
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Ignore the media mafiosi
Wee Fat Eck’s no Keyser Soze
The future’s fandabidozee
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Let’s go Nordic - what a braw idea
Build an egalitarian state right here
A flat-pack Scandy “Och Aye-Kea”
Stop yer swithering Jock!

It’s a modern modus operandi
Read the constitution in “The Dandy”
We’ll aw get subsidised houghmagandie
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Fair square sausage, better buttery rolls
Free tartan baffies for poor auld souls
World Cup finals full o’ Scottish goals
Stop yer swithering Jock!

We’re pure dead brilliant Caledonian
Ruled by a bawbag Auld Etonian
Sufferin’ duck! That’s draconian
Stop yer swithering Jock!

We drink oor voddy wi’ irn’-bru
Oor pandas eat deep-fried bamboo
We’ll swap yon Trident fur a skian-dubh
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Frae the Mull ‘o Galloway tae Ullapool -
A Rabbie Burns unit in every school
Talk aboot gallus hen - that’s well cool
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Whip away grey skies wi’ wan wee wheech
Hello eternal sunshine - goodbye dreich
It’ll be the kipper’s knickers - nae more keech
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Mais oui - nous sommes ecossaise
We’re European pal - no petit anglaise
We’ll dunk oor chips in mayonnaise
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Oh I would walk five hundred miles
For one ‘o Jocky Wilson’s smiles
Wee men in anoraks - that’s oor style
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Golden fish suppers every night
Bairns and biddies as high as a kite
We’ll all burst oot in fairy lights
Stop yer swithering Jock!

Now’s the day we’re gonnae progress
Enough o’ Cameron’s Eton mess
Stand up Scotland - yes, yes, yes!
Stop yer mithering
Stop yer dithering
Stop yer swithering Jock!

copyright elvis “giant bagpipes” mcgonagall
for the bang said the gun “page match”
at the edinburgh international book festival, august 2014

Words © Elvis McGonagall 2009-2015 | photographs © Joss Barratt & Tineke de Lange | All rights reserved | site design by michelle abadie web design